Zetsubô Naruto
by Despairful Defense Attorney
Summary: Naruto/Sayonara Zetsubô Sensei. A look into the life of Konoha's gloomy jinchuriki. Wait, why are there so many yaoifics next to this? I'm in Despair! FFNET's proliferation of yaoi fangirls has me in Despair!
1. Prologue

Zetsubô Naruto  
Prologue: Say Goodbye to Happiness, Naruto. Welcome to Despair!

* * *

It had been a tough six years, but Konoha had found itself recovering from the Kyuubi's attack quite nicely. With a grin, people helped each other out and slowly got over the tragedy.

And by people, one means anyone but Uzumaki Naruto, young boy in ratty clothes and with a constantly upset or angry expression on his face in public. In his small apartment however, the boy's face held an expression of what could be considered happiness.

Though he had very little, what he did own was very important to him, and that was a couple of simple books given to him by the most important person in his life, The Sandaime Hokage. The Sandaime even taught him to read, and while he still wasn't the greatest at reading, he was slowly getting better!

And tomorrow was the beat day of the week, where he could spend some time with the Sandaime and where he'd get another cool book to read!

With happy thoughts in his mind, Naruto drifted off to peaceful dreams.

* * *

Sarutobi looked at Hatake Kakashi carefully. Though the man had been one of the best ANBU he'd ever known, shortly after retiring from the organization the man had seemed to fall apart. Always tardy and reading one of Jiraiya's books, the man had lost much of his ambition and strength in the past few years, though still highly qualified to be jounin. However, Kakashi held a loyalty to the Sandaime rivaled by few others.

It was in this man he was trusting the safety of Konoha to for the next few days. For that reason, he had prepared a number of documents for the man to use as references. And since later in the day Naruto would be visiting, he had left the information folder on Uzumaki Naruto out. And being that Kakashi should know all of the secrets about the boy, it was safe to give him the unedited version.

"Alright, I'll be back in a day or two. I'll trust you to take care of all important matters then. And take good care of Naruto when he visits. If all goes well, you might find yourself with a nice bonus at the end of this assignment."

With a nod, Kakashi sat behind the hokage's desk and began filling out paperwork. Instantly, Sarutobi had to suppress a fit of malicious laughter that seemed to form when he left the office. He didn't know why, it wasn't like he had just shoved a horrendous torture he had to deal with daily onto someone else or anything.

Stopping by his secretary's desk, he left a message to the lady before leaving.

* * *

Naruto quickly ate a meal at a cheap ramen place that at the very least tolerated his presence. After all, it probably wasn't as if they actually liked him, they were probably just tolerating him because the old man in charge knew the Sandaime quite well. However, thinking of the elderly leader of the village did cause his mood to brighten some.

Though it was early, it probably wouldn't hurt to go ahead and visit the Hokage a bit earlier than normal. The old man seemed to like him being around. With this pleasant thought in mind he paid for his food and quickly made his way towards the Hokage's office.

* * *

Kakashi gingerly rested his wrist on some ice as he enjoyed a small break from paperwork. While it had been easy at first, the paperwork quickly began multiplying at a rate faster than Kakashi could handle! Every time he finished one stack, someone would come in with three!

Suddenly, he grabbed his stomach. While the people in the immediate area knew that the Sandaime would be gone for a day or two, others did not. Therefore, the chef that normally prepares the meals made food for the Sandaime as usual. With the constant threat of more paperwork, Kakashi had to eat when he had the chance and couldn't be picky about what he ate. Unfortunately, the chef also included the dietary supplements that the Sandaime usually required. In other words, Kakashi had eaten a meal full of laxatives.

Therefore Kakashi found himself rushing towards the bathroom connected to the Sandaime's office. He should have time to use the restroom, right? That Naruto kid shouldn't even be bothering him for a couple of hours if what the Sandaime said was correct.

He made it just in time.

* * *

Naruto smiled up at the young lady sitting at the Secretary's desk. This lady always held this position for as long as he could remember. The woman paused from her work and looked over her desk. Standing there was one of the cutest kids she had the pleasure of knowing. It wasn't the bright blue eyes or the tattered clothes that in combination screamed 'Take me home and love me!', that did it, but they certainly helped. The boy's eager smile almost radiated cheer.

"Sorry Naruto, the Sandaime isn't in today."

In an instant she could almost hear the cheer physically shattering on the ground.

"But I have good news. The Sandaime left me a message. First of all, I am to let you into his office without any problems. It said that he left you something on his desk, and that it should be obvious to what it was. Also, he wanted you to be kind to the person filling in for him. Alright?"

The boy's cheer came back some, though inferior in quality, much like a vase poorly glued back together. Opening the door to the office, she had a puzzled look on her face before she noticed the bathroom door shut with an occupied sign on it. A cruel smile flittered across her face at the realization that he ate the Sandaime's lunch. It was no less than the lazy bastard deserved for always being rude to her.

"It appears he's in the bathroom right now. I'm going to trust you to stay in here alone until he gets back. Therefore, you can get what the Sandaime left you and sit in there and occupy yourself with it without messing anything up."

The boy smile brightly and even pinky promised her! As she sat down in her desk, the secretary smiled brightly. One day she was going to molest that boy, and it'd be _gooooooood._

* * *

Naruto looked back and forth at two books on the Sandaime's desk. One was large and had an awesome picture of ninjas and dragons, while the other had his name on it. Well the Sandaime's message said it should be obvious what he left the boy, and what could be more obvious than a book with his name on it?

Picking it up, he sat in the Sandaime's unoccupied and comfortable chair and began reading.

Kakashi sighed and left the bathroom brandishing a can of air freshener. He felt rather sore and tender, but much better. He looked around the Sandaime's office and his brain broke. The boy was reading the file left to him about the boy. All illusions of getting that nice bonus, or even surviving when the Sandaime returned quickly vansihed. The boy finished the last page and closed the report before looking at Kakashi with unreadable eyes.

Though it seemed rather pathetic, Kakashi said the only thing he could think of.

"...Hi?"

* * *

As Naruto read he realized something. This book wasn't for him. It was about him. However, instead of quitting reading Naruto continued reading. After all, he had a right to know about himself, right?

And as he learned about himself, who his parents were, what he was, and slowly began realizing things he couldn't quite place the emotion he was feeling now when he realized what this information meant to him. Earlier on, he passed the point of anger or sadness and fell into the dark abyss of something he didn't know.

As he finished the last few pages, which had warnings of people and things to look out for the feeling worsened. There even seemed to possible be some group out to kill him. The simple truth that the book seemed to be telling him a simple message: He was screwed. So he finished the last page and looked at the man that had entered the room.

The man seemed nervous even though he had most of his face hidden. Finally the man spoke, almost afraid of him, though knowing now of what he contained, it made sense to Naruto.

"...Hi?"

It seemed the least he could do was return the greeting.

"...Hi."

This seemed to make the man more uncomfortable until the man seemingly decided on something.

"I'm Hatake Kakashi."

Ah names now. Still should be polite, he was supposed to be nice to the man. He had given his word.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto."

The man seemed much more calm now, though horrifically sad. A silence passed through the room for the next few minutes. And yup, that odd unkown feeling was still there.

"Uh, excuse me. Do you mind if I ask you something?"

The Ma- Kakashi seemed fearful at this.

"Sure?"

"I'm feeling an odd feeling right now. Could you tell me what it is?"

Kakashi seemed very nervous now, almost scared. It was odd how he could tell this, but that odd feeling seemed to make his mind work much clearer at the moment.

"I'll try. But I'll need you to tell me about it."

Naruto nodded in recognition and searched for the appropriate words.

"Well... It feels like.. everything's very, very bad... worse than any other time, and that it won't ever get any better. You know this emotion?"

Kakashi's eyes widened in shock and he nodded dumbly, though oddly relieved. When he spoke, it was very carefully.

"I believe the emotion you felt was called despair."

Ah. Despair. So that was the emotion's name. Almost as if by learning its name, the emotion began to bubble up, taking with it sorrow, anger, and all related negative emotions all while pushing any positive thoughts into the darkest corners of his mind. At last, it was at the breaking point.

Instantly, everything surrounding him was shadowy darkness. Naruto looked to left to see more endless darkness. Then he looked to the right to still more endless darkness. Looking straight ahead, he couldn't see anything but darkness. Finally, he looked upwards to still more of the infinite darkness of despair.

It was crushing him, so he shouted the only thing he could think of.

**"I'm in despair!"**

Instantly things seemed to turn back to normal, with an extremely creeped out looking Kakashi. Then, mentally and physically spent, Naruto passed out, sending piles completed into an unorganized mess on the ground.

Kakashi wearily looked at both the paperwork and the boy.

"Well... I'm fucked."

* * *

End


	2. Symphony for the Screwed

Chapter One  
Symphony for the Screwed

* * *

The Sandaime sighed sadly at the boy sitting before him. Since that incident a few days ago, it appeared that the boy's personality had completely changed. What he knew as bright and cheerful child was now a depressed and suicidally inclined boy. In the past three days Naruto had attempted several times to kill himself, though the boy was always angrily relieved when they failed.

Not to mention, when he had returned Kakashi had been in a vegetative state. Luckily, there had been an almost miraculous recovery over the past few days. However, Kakashi had gained the most strange habit of turning pale and shaking in fear whenever his secretary visited the Jounin along with the elderly leader. And had he not known how kind and gentle hearted his secretary was, he might have even suspected her of doing something to the jounin.

Still, the Naruto problem remained a priority. After all, he couldn't take care of the boy everyday to prevent suicide attempts. He needed to pass the boy off onto someone who would take care of the boy and generally give affection to the boy. It wasn't difficult anymore, Naruto only used his time to ask any questions he could and to read any book given to him.

All seemed hopeless until he was broken out of his thoughts by a sharp knock on his office's door. Looking up he saw his dear great-niece secretary peek her head into the room. Sarutobi smiled a smile that would have been more fitting of his traitorous former student. Perfect.

* * *

Sarutobi Shiori let out a squeal of joy upon arriving home. Finally, things were looking up for her. After _that_ incident, she had thought that all chances of molesting that adorably cute and innocent Naruto was lost. Now though, she had power to change things. One way or another, she would bring back cheerful Naruto.

Letting her mind drift was a dangerous thing if she ever wanted to get anything done, so she focused on her tasks. As she's be moving in with Naruto, she'd be sort of like a maid and a nurse, it'd be best for her get outfits suiting such a position shouldn't she? Not to mention new outfits for Naruto to make him look more adorable.

She could picture it now, the kind maid waiting at home for the young master's return, and takes care of him in _every_ way she can. A large smile crossed her face as she shifted slightly, feeling uncomfortable damp.

"Oh, yes! I can hardly wait."

As she went to her bedroom to plan and relieve herself of some discomfort, other members of the Sarutobi clan sighed in relief, having already received notification of the young Sarutobi's new position. They loved the girl since she was family, but the truth be told, sixteen year old Sarutobi Shiori really creeped the hell out of most of them.

Across Konoha, Uzumaki Naruto inexplicably found himself falling deeper into despair.

* * *

Hatake Kakashi found himself sitting in a hospital bed. His left arm and leg were broken and a few ribs were bruised, but he felt very little of it thanks to the numerous painkillers in his system. Truth be told, Kakashi cared very little for the physical damage, as he's had his share of it in the past from missions. No what really shook him up was the sheer amount of killing intent and threats aimed towards Kakashi from the Sandaime's great-niece secretary. Some of those things were probably impossible, but it wouldn't stop the girl from _trying_ to make it possible. It was probably the most terrifying experience in his life.

What made things worse was that he actually knew very little about Naruto. So when he read the file, many new and disturbing things had been learned. Mainly, Naruto was his sensei's son and he had just help cause the psychological breakdown of said son.

As Kakashi further spiraled into depression, an odd phenomenon occurred. Be it from the numerous painkillers, his concussion, simply his slowly acquired insanity acting up, or by some odd combination, Kakashi found himself hit on the head _hard._ When he looked towards the culprit, Kakashi found his jaw dropping. Standing before him were the specters of important people to him.

Standing right in front of him were the ghostly apparitions of his teacher Minato Namikaze, and his old teammates Uchiha Obito and Rin. All of them had very grave looks on their faces. When his old sensei talked, it was in a voice Kakashi had only heard used towards enemies or those who had committed atrocities.

'So, it's good to see you again Kakashi. Let's _talk_.'

Kakashi could only whimper in fear. He could only hope this was a _very_ bad dream.

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto stared at a book. It interested his, for all the wrong reasons. What is the name of this book? Quite simply it was a book on learning how to expertly tie ropes. When his interest was noticed by his new guardian and caretaker, Naruto found himself quickly in the ownership of a newly purchased copy of the book with the encouragement to learn everything in it. Naruto and Shiori left the shop pleased each in their own way. Naruto morbidly pleased at the ability to learn how to tie a noose, while Shiori fantasized over being the target of shibari.

Unfortunately for Naruto, the next store would be a clothing store. So would the next few dozen after that one. Luckily, he had something to occupy himself with. Unluckily, he had no access to rope, so by the tenth clothing store he found himself unable to hang himself.

In the end, Naruto couldn't say the experience was completely terrible as it had benefited him with new clothes and books, but it was something he never wanted to experience again.

Sadly, his day didn't end there. As it turned out he now owned a somewhat larger apartment now to compensate for two people living together. It was a nice place, but it didn't calm Naruto down. Especially not after Shiori's enthusiastic attempts to 'help him wash.' To make it worse, when they went to sleep they shared the only, but very large, bed and he was clutched by Shiori like a gigantic stuffed animal. Though for some reason he could feel a lower part of his pajamas getting wetter at time went on.

* * *

Hatake Kakashi was generally viewed as a lazy and inconsiderate bastard, but nevertheless was a _respectable_ lazy and inconsiderate bastard. Therefore, when a hysteric Kakashi clothed only in a hospital gown ran by while screaming incomprehensibly, Uchiha Itachi clutched his eyes in horror. Thanks to his Sharingan, the horrors he had just seen could _never_ be unseen. Perhaps the Uchiha clan wasn't as great as it seemed?

Still, the problem remained every time he closed his eyes. Itachi knew what he must do in the end. He'd simply have to remove his tainted eyes and replace them with a nice new unruined pair.

Uchiha Itachi walked off towards his home carefully in thought. In the years to come, his fear of closing his eyes would lead to many sleepless nights, slowly creating his patented 'lines' descending from his eyes.

* * *

The Sandaime looked down at a report with a picture of an unconscious Hatake Kakashi now forcibly restrained to his hospital bed. He didn't know exactly _what_ had caused the man to breakdown mentally, but it was unnerving. He'd have to get Ibiki to diagnose Kakashi.

But in the meantime, he'd deal with another issue involving Naruto. The boy needed something to occupy himself with during the day, and he'd reluctantly come up with this solution.

That was why he was now staring at an oddly dressed Uzumaki Naruto and his great-neice Shiori in a maid's outfit. This was the main reason this topic had come up. His dear relative seemed to be a bit too enthusiastic in her attempts. He wasn't complaining, as it was a nice sight, but he had to make sure Naruto didn't go batshit crazy.

"Well the main reason we've met today Naruto is that I'd like to ask you a question. How do you feel about going to school?"

* * *

Kakashi woke to an empty hospital room. Though he couldn't move his body right now, it was fine. After all, those horrific hallucinations were now gone!

'Ahem.'

His eyes widened at the sound as he turned his head. Though a bit less visible than before, the three apparitions were still there. Kakashi's eyes widened as hopelessness sunk in.

"What do you want from me?"

The specters' faces took on hurt looks. Rin looked quite upset as she approached him.

'We just wanted to see you again. Is that so much of a problem?'

"But you're dead! I saw all of you die with my own eyes!"

Obito shook his head, smiling happily. He pointed towards where his heart would be, then at Kakashi's heart.

'Don't you get it? We live on in there for as long as you live. Well, I suppose I also live on here as well.'

A jerking motion towards his left eye followed.

"So why now? Why not anytime before this?"

Minato wagged a finger at him playfully.

'We're part of you. Meaning that your own body and mind are trying to make you learn a lesson here.'

Kakashi narrowed his visible eye in thought. A lesson on what? He was a good person for a ninja! He paid his taxes, helped out the community, and killed enemies of the village on a daily basis. What could this mythical lesson be?

Obito clapped his hands happily.

'Well then. Since you can't figure it out on your own, I'll tell you. This is a highly personal intervention.'

When Obito finished clapping spectral balloons and confetti appeared along with a giant banner exclaiming 'Congratulations! It's a mental intervention!'

Kakashi's eye widened in terror.

**"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"**

Everyone in the hospital winced at the yell. An old woman in the room on the floor below Kakashi's room grabbed a broom, stood up and started hitting the ceiling with the tip of the broom's handle.

"Quiet down or I'll call the cops!"

* * *

Chapter one:

END


	3. Hope is for the Stupid

Zetsubo Naruto  
Chapter Two  
Hope is for the Stupid

* * *

Naruto stretched as he woke up. All things considered, he felt quite... he believed the word was cheerful. It was refreshing he decided. Today would be the first day of his third year in the Ninja Academy. Truth be told, he didn't do too terribly in the previous years, despite his opinion on the subject.

Therefore, when a knock on the door disturbed the tranquility of the quiet home, he didn't mind dealing with the person at the door. It turned out to be a letter adressed to him from the ninja academy. It wasn't unusual, after all they had sent him a letter last year on the day of the academy as a reminder as well.

Sitting down at the table with a quickly prepared breakfast, he began eating while opening the letter. When finally opened it, he dropped it in shock as the world began turning dark again. Picking it up again, he began rereading it again as the world slowly slipped away. It appeared he had read it correctly, as to what it said, it was a terrible thing. The letter read:

_Dear Uzumaki Naruto,_

We are unfortunately forced to inform you due to errors beyond our control that you will have to repeat your first two years of the ninja academy once more. Best of luck to your new year, and our deepest condolences.

The Ninja Academy Faculty

Dropping the letter, he was instantly distracted by the sound of the front door opening. Looking towards the kitchen's door he saw an even more terrifying sight. Sarutobi Shiori stood there holding giant bags bulging with fabrics and other assorted objects.

"Good news, Naruto! In celebration for your new semester, I went shopping for new clothes for you!"

It was certain, he had been some sort of horrific genocidal madman in his previous life and karma was paying him back. That was the only logical reason that he could think of why so many bad things happened to him.

An hour later, Naruto found himself sullenly walking towards the ninja academy in an orange hakama and kimono wearing a pair of fake glasses. The reason? His 'guardian' had thought it would make him look more dignified. To make it worse, he apparently wasn't thought of as responsible, so he found himself being forced to carry no less than three replacement pairs by Shiori. While he didn't mind the eighteen year old to be so caring of him, her overbearing nature only helped to drop him even deeper into despair.

Naruto walked close to the edge of the road, his eyes downcast. It was for this reason that he discovered something he wouldn't have in any other instance. Protruding slightly from an alley was a rope. Curious, Naruto picked it up and examined it. While it was wasn't in the best of condition, he could use it. Coiling the rope, he put it in a pocket on the inside of his hakama and continued on his way to the academy with a slight smile on his face.

He'd commit suicide, even if it killed him!

* * *

An eight year old Yamanaka Ino walked happily towards the ninja academy. This was her first day of class and she looked forward to it greatly. As she walked along she noted all the other students going to school as well. Then, off the path towards the academy Ino noticed something out of the corner of her eye.

A moment later she saw a boy her age kick away a large stool from beneath him, leaving him hanging from a loose rope around his neck. She knew what was happening and she had to stop it!

While grabbing the boy by the legs she pulled tightly, tightening the rope around the boy's neck and causing the boy to choke. A moment later, the old and frayed rope snapped, sending the boy to the ground. The sound of glass breaking followed.

The boy rubbed his throat as he loosened the noose's remains from his neck. He glared at the girl.

**"What if I had died?!"**

The girl glared at him as he looked sadly at a pair of broken glasses before throwing them away and replacing them with a pair of identical but unbroken glasses and put them on. Now that the panic had faded, she got a good look at the boy. He had moderately long and somewhat spiky blonde hair with a set of three 'whisker marks' on each cheek. In addition, the boy wore a rather traditional looking Hakama and Kimono, with the Hakama orange in color with a light blue floral pattern on it.

Instantly Ino's anger rose to the top.

"What if you had died? You would have inconvenienced everyone here! I could have lost a few days of important lessons! It's the first day of school, so why were you trying to kill yourself?! Stop only thinking of yourself!"

In an instant, Naruto found himself in an almost familiar field of darkness as he himself faded to monotone colors. Looking left and then right, he could only see seas of darkness. He looked forward to see more darkness before looking up to see even more of the infinite darkness. That sealed the deal, he knew where he was.

**"I'm in despair!"**

The world of darkness quickly began breaking down.

**"This ridiculous and stupid school system has left me in despair!"**

There, now he was back in reality again thankfully. And stand beside him was a weirded out, but interested Yamanaka Ino.

"Well then, I know what to call you now!"

Interested, Naruto turned towards Ino as she took on a thoughtful pose.

"Since you're in despair, I'll call you Mr. Despair!"

In an instant, Naruto ran off screaming in frustration. Ino looked at the back of his quickly fading figure in puzzlement.

"What an odd person Mr. Despair is."

* * *

Umino Iruka found himself cursing. It was his first day as a teacher and he was going to be late! If he wanted to make it to the ninja academy anywhere near when the school started, he'd have to hurry and ignore any and all obstacles.

Unfortunately, in his haste he ran by one of the most time consuming people in Konoha. Mitarashi Anko raised an eyebrow as the chuunin ran bye in a rush. He would dare ignore one of the greatest allies he had in his childhood so easily? She didn't think so. Standing up, she found herself chasing after the chuunin.

In a matter of moments, Iruka found himself landing on his ass and looking up at a triumphant Anko. Raising an eyebrow, he stood up and began making his way past Anko, still focused on the goal of trying to reach the academy as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, he now found himself landing on his back on the ground, Anko sticking her knee uncomfortably into his stomach. Glaring, he tried to get back up, only to get pushed down once more.

"What's got you in a rush today, Iruka? You ignored saying hello to little old me."

"I'm going to be late for my first day on the job, Anko! Please let me go!"

Anko looked to consider this for a second, before increasing the pressure on his stomach while grinning maliciously.

"No, I don't think I will. You ignored me, and the price for that is to be my training partner for the day."

Paling, Iruka frantically increased his attempts to free himself from Anko's grasp.

"Anko, I don't have time for your games right now. Let me go, and I'll be your sparring partner later!"

Anko paused as this, and after a moment of consideration, let Iruka back up.

As he brushed himself off, he smiled at her before beginning to walk forward.

"Thank you-"

Only to fall unconscious from a hit to the back of the head from Anko, neatly falling into her waiting arms. She smile lightly as her plot worked. After all, wasn't now later than the moment he agreed? She began carrying him toward her favorite training ground: Training area 44, also known as the Forest of Death. She whistled lightly in the face of victory.

After all, nobody expects the Anko neck chop!

* * *

Naruto sighed as he laid in his bed. After he failed his suicide attempt thanks to that annoyingly bossy girl, he ran home. It wasn't like anyone was going to miss him, and Shiori worked as the Hokage's secretary while he was at school. So all he had to do was make up a story about how his day went.

So caught up in his thoughts, he didn't notice the bathroom door open, and a freshly showered and nude Shiori walked into the room. It was her say off, and she was going to relax and prepare herself for a special plan of 'taking care' of Naruto tonight. Upon noticing the relaxing blonde, she frowned. Naruto found himself jumping as he heard an overly cheerful voice.

"Naruto?"

Looking over, he noticed an unhappy Shiori standing there, clothed only in a towel on her shoulders.

"Ah! Shiori! What are you doing home?"

"I could ask you the same question, Naruto."

Quickly Naruto put his fingers to his head in thought as he came up with an excuse.

"The school had problems so won't open until tomorrow?"

At her unamused expression, he quickly thought up another excuse.

"I wasn't feeling well?"

Quickly Naruto let out a series of horrifically false coughs while closing his eyes. In response, Shiori smiled deviously. If he wanted to play games, then he'd better be reasy for the consequences.

When Naruto cracked an eye open a moment later, he found a very disturbing and erotic sight. Kneeling on the bed in front of him was Shiori still with only the towel on her body, but also a pink nurse's hat on her head. She grinned at him like the cat that caught the canery.

"Oh you don't feel well? In that case, I'll have to take care of you and make you _aaaalllll_ better."

As she spoke, she crawled closer to Naruto until at the end, her face was only an inch or two away from his and she straddled him before licking her lips seductively. The next instant had Naruto standing a few feet away, holding a bloody nose that was quickly stopping itself.

"Uhhhh. Did I say that? I meant that I had forgotten my lunch. That's all!"

Frowning, Shiori snapped her fingers. Damn, she was so close! Two minutes later, Naruto found himself running towards the academy with a nicely wrapped bento in one hand. If he kept up this pace, he should make it to the academy being only a half hour late at most!

* * *

In the ninja academy, the classrooms were filled with the sounds of a teacher imparting knowledge and rules to students. All classrooms, except one. In this quiet classroom sat a very irritated Yamanaka Ino. This day seemed to keep getting worse!

First, that strange boy almost ruined her first few days. Now, her sensei was over a half hour late! Even if he was apparently a new teacher as suggested by the gifts on the desk, this was inexcusable! When that bum of a teacher finally arrived, she'd give him or her a piece of her mind!

Almost on cue, the door slammed open to reveal a panting and almost collapsed figure. A ragged voice echoed in the room.

"Sorry for being late!"

And when Ino saw who this person was, she felt her stomach drop. It was _that boy!_ That suicidal boy! They couldn't possibly expect _him_ to be their teacher, could they?

However, at the same time, Ino's mind also brought up another point: If he wasn't, that means she's have to wait even longer for a teacher! That was even more inexcusable than having this boy their age attempting to teach them!

In an instant, Ino smiled. It wasn't a happy smile, or even a pleasant one. It was a smile that screamed danger and misfortune for the recipient of said smile. Ino stood up and slowly began walking towards the kneeling boy. In a loud voice easily hearable by anyone in the room, she spoke to the boy.

"Oh, it's no trouble at all! When we waited for our new sensei we all wondered who it could be. I had no idea we'd be privileged to have you as our sensei, Mr. Despair! You must be quite advanced to be considered for a teaching position!"

Naruto's eyes widened at the girl's statement. He wasn't a teacher!

"I'm sorry, but I'm not-Mmmphh!"

Quickly Naruto found himself pinned against the chalkboard covered wall with his mouth covered by one of her hands.

"Oh, Don't worry, Mr. Despair! As a new teacher, it is highly understandable that you felt quite insecure and got lost. We forgive you!"

Ino lowered her head towards his and in almost a whisper, she spoke to the pinned boy.

"I don't care exactly who you are. All I want is to have one good and knowledgable first day. I'm sure the real teacher's simply sick or something. Therefore, all you need to do is give the illusion of being a teacher for now. After that, I don't care in the slightest. Got it?"

A quick frantic nod from the terrified boy was all it took for her to calm down.

"Good."

Once more in the louder voice, she addressed the rest of the class. Just give them a believable story, and all will be good. Tomorrow will be better.

"Alright, Mr. Despair will take a moment to prepare his lesson plan for the day beofre beginning call, understood?"

A series of nods followed, though many had confused and almost doubtful expressions on their faces.

Meanwhile, Naruto had managed to get to the teacher's desk and scour it for anything of use. Luckily, there seemed to be a note for the new teacher on the desk.

_Dear New Teacher,_

Congratulations on your new position. As the first day is a short day, all we ask for you to do is pass out some papers, introduce yourself to the class, and have them fill out the following paper. Class ends when you have collected this assignment from the students. Following that, wait for the principal to arrive and turn in the papers before leaving. Once more, thank you for teaching at our academy!

Sincerely,  
Konoha Ninja Academy Faculty

Naruto breathed a sigh of relief at what little he was actually expected of him to do today. Still, he's have to do something to make that girl regret making him suffer in more despair like this!

After using the teacher's chair as a sort of height booster, Naruto found himself writing his name on the chalkboard in the largest and most legible writing he could using the chalk from a package on the desk. Then he spun the chair, so that he stood on the chair in front of the teacher's podium.

"Greetings class! For now, I am your sensei, Uzumaki Naruto. I hope to teach you the best I can for as long as I teach here!"

In an instant, Ino rose up with a bright smile on her face.

"We are pleased to learn from you Mr. Despair!"

Naruto ground his teeth as the girl mocked his chronic problem.

"The name is Uzumaki Naruto. You will address me as Uzumaki-sensei, understood?"

Ino frowned before brightening up.

"But Mr. Despair is easier to remember, and fits you much better!"

Naruto could only calm himself down as the darkness of despair once more edged in on his vision when he noticed a few students nod in agreement. After a few moments, it faded and he continued with his current temporary job.  
Following this, he hopped down from the chair and began passing out the rules and guidelines as well as a copy of the assignment the students were expected to fill out.

Upon finishing this task, he resumed his place upon his chair before the podium. He paused a moment, trying to remember what his old teachers wold do before continuing.

"Now Class, what I have passed out are rules. In addition, I have given you all an assignment to fill out before leaving. However, before doing the assignment, I think I should go over it with you. This assignment is-"

He scanned the paper, which asked students for their hopes for the future. His eyes narrowed in anger. Even if he was only a temporary teacher, it was his job to break such foolish nonsense such as hope. After all, especially for ninja, there is never actually hope, just despair, in real life.

"A terrible lie! The exists no hope in this dark world! Only despair! Therefore, instead of listing your top three hopes for your future, you will list the three most hopeless paths in life you know you will never achieve! By doing this, only then do you set down the path of being a ninja!"

As a few of the students mumbled to themselves about it, Yamanaka Ino stood up with a frown.

"Mr. Despair! How can you say such a thing! You are supposed to help cultivate us into well balanced people, not suicidally depressed ones!"

Naruto smirked at this, allowing the nickname to slide past him this once.

"But I am helping you! You all have to realize that being a ninja isn't all fun and games! Ninjas steal and kill in the dead of night! By doing this assignment, you will all begin to realize what being a ninja means! For example..."

Naruto pointed at a black haired and black eyed boy in a blue shirt in the middle of the class, known to some as Sasuke Uchiha.

"You are a completely normal person! You blend into any crowd and drift through the middle of life! This is proven by the spot you've taken in the middle of class and your normal and ordinary appearance! You'll never achieve much, but you'll make a fair, but normal, assassin with how normal you are, making it easier for you to blend in!"

The boy's eyes widened in tears and despair.

"Do you all begin to realize what this school is for? Now, fill out the assignments with your most hopeless to achieve paths in life and turn them in to me."

Thirty minutes later, Naruto found himself alone in the classroom, the last of the much more depressed student having left. It was a good feeling to teach people the hopelessness in life.

Ten minutes later, the door burst open as many members of the faculty came in and congratulated him on his new position before leaving. Finally, the principal came into the room once the left of the faculty left. He wasn't a very impressive man, rather fat and balding. After looking over the many assignments, he smiled brightly at Naruto.

"I have to say, Mr. -"

The principle looked at the chalkboard quickly to learn Naruto's name before turning back.

"-Uzumaki, I have to say that these are the most inspired and hopeful students I have ever read about! I don't know what you did, but I'm glad to have you aboard!"

In this instant, Naruto's eyes widened. It was a joke, right? The man must know he could be a teacher! He was far to young to be a teacher!

"There must be a mistake! I was only filling in for a teacher! And besides, I'm too young to be a teacher! I don't know the first thing about teaching people how to be ninja!"

The principal smiled brightly before pulling out a rulebook for teachers and flipping to a certain page.

"Well unfortunately for you, the rules are quite strict. Whoever teaches the first day must teach the class until they graduate. It's an old rule to insure that the academy will always have teachers. As for lack of experience, we have many books to help you with that."

The principal pulled out a radio and spoke into it softly. A moment later, another member of the faculty ran in with numerous large books and dropped them on Naruto's desk.

"These will help you out there. As I said before, I wish you the best of luck, Mr. Uzumaki! Ask the other teachers if you ever need assistance!"

The principal ran out immediately afterwards, preventing any of Naruto's objections. He picked up the books and several supplies from the desk and began to slowly carry them home. He ignored the signs of despair setting in.

He didn't have time for despair right now!

* * *

Hatake Kakashi stepped outside for the first time in nearly two years. The world looked bright and hopeful. He felt ambitious and ready to change the world for the better. But first he had to stop by his apartment.

When he arrived, it wasn't a pretty sight. A number of letters, all bills, stuck out of the mail slot and on the ground around the door. Opening the door didn't trouble him at all. However his eyes widened in terror when he saw the interior of his apartment.

Everything was gone! There was graffiti on the walls! But the most terrifying thing was _his porn was gone!_ All of it, even the books he had hidden under his floorboards! What was worse was that the window had been left open, allowing all chances to track the thief's scent to vanish from the numerous animal scents in the apartment and time.

Falling to his knees, Kakashi felt his eyes tear up.

**"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"**

After a time, Kakashi felt the despair and sadness disappear, cut away by determination. It might take time and large amounts of money, but he'd rebuild his porn armada. And when that was done, he's find out who did this and get revenge far beyond any other revenge ever exacted no matter the cost.

In the Uchiha district, Uchiha Itachi felt a shiver run down his spine as he flipped through a volume of Icha Icha Paradise.

* * *

Late at night, Naruto found himself exhausted and in his apartment. After dragging the books for a good part of the day, he wated more time explaining the day's experiences to Shiori. Then he used the remaining time left in the day, after eating dinner, to read some of the books given to him and to attempt to construct a lesson plan for the next day. All in all, it really caused him to steadily slip into the largest amount of despair he head felt for some time.

That night, Naruto didn't oppose Shiori's advances in the slightest, which made the girl _very_ happy. After all, it was the first time he let her hold him tightly in bed while she was nude when the two retired for the night. She spent some time wondering if perhaps this teaching thing wasn't such a bad thing for Naruto.

After all, it definitely helped speed up her time table for taking Naruto's virginity. As for Naruto? He immediately fell asleep, resisting falling to the large amounts of despair exhausted him. Unfortunately, the sleeping pills were still locked away, but when he got the chance he'd consume them like an Akimichi at a fabled 'all you can eat buffet.' It would only be a matter of time.

* * *

Deep in its cage, the Kyuubi swiped at the slowly encroaching darkness. When the claws made contact with the darkness, the Bijuu found itself feeling incredibly depressed, and used what was left functioning of its self-preservation instincts to draw back the claws.

While the depression faded, the Kyuubi found itself worried and very itchy. Where it had come in contact with the darkness was now stained a black color. It quickly drew as far back from the darkness as it could.

After all, the greatest of Bijuu couldn't turn emo, it was allergic to them! Such a process would surely kill it!

* * *

Chapter Two  
Hope is for the Stupid  
END


	4. Mission Start! Chance of Victory: Zero

Zetsubô Naruto  
Chapter Three  
Mission Start! Chance of Victory: Zero Percent!

* * *

Ino smiled happily as she skipped to the academy. Today was a new day! That meant that she would truly start the academy, and that she could forget all about yesterday and start the academy fresh.

All in all, it seemed like a perfect day. There were few clouds and the flowers were blooming beautifully. Nothing could go wrong. Finally, Ino reached the classroom a few minutes before class would begin. She had to make a proper introduction to the teacher after all.

When she arrived in the classroom, it was empty. However, Ino didn't miss the new decoration in the room, one rolling step ladder. Slightly curious, she sat down and waited for the teacher to arrive.

Twenty minutes passed and class was just about to officially begin. Still, there was no sign of their teacher. Ino wondered if this was going to be a daily thing. Finally, the door slip open and someone walked in.

Ino's eyebrow twitched as Uzumaki Naruto walked in, moved the step ladder to the podium and stood on it, addressing the class. In an instant, he began checking attendance by calling name.

Ino grit her teeth as she surveyed the class. Most of the class seemed to accept the boy as their instructor, with some even looking respectful! This was a ridiculous outrage. That boy wasn't a teacher, and yet no one seemed to call him on it.

She would not spend her years learning to become suicidal from this freak! Standing up, she glared at the class angrily.

"What is wrong with you all? How can you all accept someone our age to teach us? This farce has gone on long enough!"

"Is something wrong... Yamanaka-san?"

Turning around, she narrowed her eyes at the false teacher. The little bastard was even looking smug and amused!

"Yes. I was wondering why you are here? You aren't even a real teacher!"

Naruto frowned slightly at the girl before chuckling, an act that caused an uneasy feeling to rise in Ino's stomach.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm afraid I am your teacher. An old rule of the school insured that. It was, and I quote: _'Whoever teaches the first day of school becomes the permanent teacher for the class until either the class graduates or the teacher dies._' Does that satisfy you? Would you mind letting me start class finally?"

The bastard really looked amused now. Ino grit her teeth and sat down. This wasn't over. She was Yamanaka Ino, and if this brat planned to be teaching them, she'd teach _him_ a thing or two. Yes, she'd make a responsible teacher out of him, even if it killed _him._

* * *

Kakashi dropped the man on the ground, so far he had interrogated his immediate neighbors. In the process, he had probably driven them all horrifically insane. He shrugged, in the end it was simply a small casualty of war. The war was simple: him vs. anyone that stood in the way of finding his porn.

Still, the current process was taking far too long, and would probably cause him to get in serious trouble with the Hokage. Therefore, he needed a better way. As he went back to his apartment, he sighed. This wasn't going to be easy, it seemed.

He quickly rinsed his face in his sink to wake himself somewhat. He hadn't slept since he had discovered his missing porn. He quickly replaced his facemask and moved to put his headband back over his left eye when he looked up in the mirror.

Open the eye slightly, he could feel it begin to drain him. The Sharingan's three tomoe circled slightly as he looked in the mirror. The eye was supposed to have the ability to hypnotize people, right? Perhaps with it he could more easily find where his porn was?

He quickly covered the eye again before stepping out of his apartment. Once more gathering his immediate neighbors, he stared at them all malevolently with both eyes excused.

"Now, please tell me where my porn is."

In an instant the group began breaking down into hysterics, fearing they'd be interrogated again. Kakashi felt his right eye twitch a bit. He calmed himself with a deep breath.

_"Calm Down, shut up, and look me in the eyes and I promise I won't interrogate you again!"_

Moments later the crowd had calmed down somewhat and all fearfully looked him in the eyes. Kakashi focused his left eye, trying to transfer all of the feelings and thoughts he was experiencing to the crowd, and have them answer his truthfully! He focused even as his left eye seemed to be burning in pain.

"Now, I want to you tell me where my porn can be found at."

He noticed the crowd seemed to stiffen lightly, their eyes locked into his. Kakashi felt like jumping for joy as the hypnosis seemed to work, but kept himself still. In synchronization they all spoke.

"I don't know."

Keeping the eye contact, he tried to think of anything else. There had to be some way for him to gain the truth from them. In a flash of lightning, an idea passed through his mind.

"Bring me all of your porn to show your innocence."

At the same time, the crowd seemed to stand up before walking to their respective apartments. A few moments later, they returned holding a varying amount of porn in their arms before dropping them at Kakashi's feet. Then they stood around like a bunch of zombies.

Kakashi looked closely at the porn before deciding that it wasn't his. Looking up the crowd, he noticed they stood there unintelligently before focusing on the porn again. Looked once more at the zombies. Looked again at the porn. Zombies. Porn. This process repeated itself a few times before a switch clicked in his mind.

Scooping up all of the porn, he quickly left before the people snapped out of their daze. Twenty minutes later, the people snapped out of it and looked around blankly. Why were they here again? Shrugging, they all went back to their apartments.

Kakashi looked at the porn happily. Yes, he had decided his goal. Even if he never could get his porn back, he would use his Sharingan, his 'power,' to amass a porn collection even bigger than his old one!

Yes, thanks to this eye, he'd change things for his benefit. A minute later, Kakashi fell asleep, exhausted from wasting so much chakra. He didn't even notice how his eye had changed or that it had already reverted back to normal.

* * *

Naruto looked up at the Hyuuga manor. The sky was dark with clouds that poured out a deluge of rain from the heavens. Heavy winds blew along with constant thunder and lightning.

Despite this, Uzumaki Naruto was completely dry. Why? It was quite simple. Except for the odd storm over the Hyuuga manor, everywhere else in Konoha was experiencing one of the most pleasant spring days ever.

At the border to this storm filled land, Naruto debated something to himself. Then he walked away and to the nearest store that sold an umbrella.

Ten minutes later, he was facing the stormy conditions under a large umbrella. As he passed a guard post, a messenger ran to the manor before Naruto would arrive to warn of his coming.

Naruto himself was currently adrift in a sea of despair filled thoughts. Why couldn't things work out nicely? He was supposed to be able to relax while the other teachers took care of the more specialized classes, such as the girls' flower classes, or at least something to that extent.

When he finally reached the door, it was flung open and he was dragged in. When Naruto finally collected his thoughts, he found he was currently being crushed in a hug by a crying Hyuuga Hiashi.

"Oh, Thank you! You've finally arrived to save us!"

Confused, Naruto slipped out of the hug and composed himself.

"I do believe you have the wrong person. I'm here to pick up Hyuuga Hinata."

Nodding enthusiastically, Hiashi smiled.

"Yes, there is no doubt. You are her teacher, and are here to take her to class at the academy! Our savior has appeared!"

Sighing, Naruto held his head. Weren't clan leaders supposed to be sane?

"Alright, why are you calling me a savior? What's so wrong with this girl?"

Having calmed down some, Hiashi composed himself as best he could.

"It's best you find out yourself. Though I must warn you, she's taken hostages. Follow me."

After traversing several hallways, they came to a hallway that looked to be out of some war. The surrounding areas had barriers set up and Hyuugas behind them, all of them looking terrified. The only door there was covered in locks, chains, and O-fudas.

Hiashi held his shoulders tightly and looked into Naruto's eyes.

"This won't be easy. I'll let you get a quick look into the room before sealing it shut again. After that, it'll be up to you to create a plan to remove her."

Within moments, the locks and chains were removed and the doors opens. What Naruto saw scared him and sent him further into despair. Within the room were cult-like decorations, a terrified Hyuuga Neji and Hyuuga Hanabi holding onto each other for dear life, and a brown robed Hyuuga Hinata reading some sort of odd book out loud.

_"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."_

The next moment, the doors were closed and locked up again. Naruto was holding his heart in terror. That just wasn't right! And he was expected to deal with _that_ on a daily basis?

Suddenly, he found himself in darkness again. Doing his customary checks to the left, right, and straight ahead. He looked up into the inky blackness of despair.

**"I'm in Despair!"**

The darkness was shattering and he could begin to see people, but he wsn't done.

**"My cult following student has left me in despair!"**

He was back in the Hyuuga manor's halls once more, standing before an impressed Hyuuga Hiashi. The man seemed to be inspecting him closely, before he smiled slightly and gave a small thumbs up.

"I approve!"

Naruto felt a headache coming on and closed his eyes. He rested a hand on his right temple before reopening his eyes and looking at Hiashi with a serious look.

"We need to talk. But first, I need some aspirin."

* * *

Naruto rubbed the bridge of his nose. While his headache had faded somewhat, it now seemed to be making a full force comeback from this ridiculous situation. He looked across the table at Hyuuga Hiashi.

"Alright. Explain the situation to me once more."

The Hyuuga had long since regained all composure, and looked like a respectable clan head again. Hiashi stood up and began pointing to a giant flow chart.

"If you look at the beginning, you can see myself and the Hyuuga clan trying to force Hinata to embrace tradition and the Hyuuga way."

"I can't really see how the Hyuuga way links to worshipping some ancient horrific entities."

Hiashi sighed, before sitting down, pulling out a bottle of sake, pouring himself a glass and drinking it in one gulp.

"It doesn't really. The thing is she snapped, embracing the idea of tradition too much. Following that, she went into the oldest parts of our library and tried to find the oldest book she could. Unfortunately, she found it. Did you notice that book she had? That was it."

Naruto let his head hit the table. What the hell were they teaching these kids?

"Yes. It looked quite horrific. What was it?"

The Hyuuga shrugged.

"I honestly don't know. I never really cared enough too look in the older sections of the library. However, what I've been told is that the book is made of human flesh, or something to that extent. It's name is the Necri... No, Necru... Wait, Necro... i have absolutely no clue what its called."

Naruto banged his head against the table a few times, before a spark of inspiration flashed.

"I have an idea."

* * *

Hinata chuckled to herself. Yes, all of the preparation was finally done. She had gathered all the materials, elaborately drawn all of the necessary symbols, and read the book ominously. Now all she need needed to do was open to section thirteen, sprinkle some blood over the sacrifices, and read the following four pages.

But first, she took a break. It was tough work doing the work of a cult group on your own! Therefore, when the door opened a crack and something rolled in, she curiously investigated. When smoke filled the room moments later, she panicked, especially when a loud CRACK echoed through the room.

Thankfully, the smoke dissipated seconds later thanks to the open door... Hinata's mind froze at the thought as there hadn't been a door there moments before. In fact, there wasn't even a door there now. All that was there was a large hole.

As she looked around, she grew angered. Where she had set the book, there was instead a shinobi academy textbook with a note taped to it. It read,

_"Your book had been confiscated by the Shinobi Academy until further notice. To have a chance at having the book returned, you must attend class._

Sincerely,

The Konoha Ninja Academy Faculty"

Crumpling the note, she looked around more. If it wasn't bad enough, her hostages were gone! How was she to perform the ceremony _now?_

Across the Hyuuga manor, a scream filled with untold rage and frustration caused many to shudder in fear. The sound of doors slamming open and a loud stomping could be heard moments later. Then, beautiful and serene silence filled the air. Collectively, the Hyuuga felt themselves relax more than they could ever remember. That day, they say, the Hyuugas partied harder than anyone ever had ever partied before.

* * *

Naruto looked out at the disappearing form of his student before sighing. He took off the odd hat and jacket that Hiashi had made him wear for the operation, as well as the whip they made him use as a swing to enter the room.

He shook his arm to fling off Hyuuga Neji, who had attached himself to said appendage. He also tried said maneuver with Hyuuga Hanabi, who was attached to his neck, but it failed. In fact, it only caused the young girl to clutch him tighter.

After a few moments, he found himself being hugged by Hiashi, unfortunately, once more.

"Thank you! You are the greatest hero the Hyuuga have ever known! If there is anything I can do for you, name it."

Naruto sighed and pointed at the girl clutching his neck.

"Could you kindly remove her, please?"

With a nod, he moved to remove the young Hyuuga, but no matter what he tried, the girl would dodge his attempts. With an air of dignity, he made himself look as fearsome as possible before addressing the girl again.

"Remove yourself from his personage this instant."

The girl looked at him tightly.

"...No."

With this attempt failed, he tried to look more fearsome, adding in some anger.

"Young lady, I mean it. Now."

The girl seemed more determined this time and glared at Hiashi from her spot hanging from Naruto's back.

"No!"

His attempt defeated, the Hyuuga clan leader deflated and looked wearily at his second daughter.

"Why not?"

The girl smiled brightly and clung to Naruto tighter.

"I'm gonna marry him!"

With this, Naruto's eyes widened and he tried to escape the girl's clutches by shaking wildly. His attempts distracted him from noticing the way Hiashi seemed to be examining him.

"Agreed. You have my permission to marry him."

With this, Naruto's movements came to a halt, causing him to fall flat on his face. As he looked towards the clan head, he noticed other Hyuuga members coming in, many carrying bottles of sake, as well as other bottles. The Hyuuga clan's leader grabbed Naruto by the shoulder and led him to the door. Before he knew it, Naruto was outside the Hyuuga manor.

"Now, I expect you to take good care of young Hanabi. Also, take these."

Naruto found himself holding the odd hat, brown leather jacket, and whip once more. Frustrated, Naruto asked the only question he could for all of this.

"Why?"

The Hyuuga smiled and gave Naruto an unreadable look.

"I have the feeling you'll need it in the future."

Seconds later, Naruto found himself standing in front of a slammed shut door. Sighing, he made his way back to the academy holding the jacket, hat, whip, and the odd book he'd stolen from Hinata. On his back, Hanabi laughed happily and hung off from one shoulder adorably.

Naruto rubbed the bridge of his nose again. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

Kakashi frowned as he slowly began the process of viewing an almost literal pile of porn in his new luxurious home. After his nap, he began the process of liberating porn from those who would misuse it. Well, that and experimenting with his new Sharingan ability for security's sake. The fact that he also used it to covertly get almost all the material goods he'd ever wanted was just a bonus.

Unfortunately, it appeared most people he used to live near were a bunch of freaks and nut jobs. And while he secretly admitted that it was par for the course for ninjas, it still caused degust to rise in him.

Luckily, he had the foresight to make sure his sharingan was covered before viewing the porn himself. He had learned that mistake years ago, when he had bought a deceptive doujinshi, thought it was really good art wise, that it should always be remembered, and began reading it with his sharingan exposed.

If he was ever going to be a teacher, he'd make sure that his students went the right way of perverseness. And make sure that the contents of that doujin was never fulfilled.

Still after an hour, it began to become painful to watch all of the porn with all of the terrible varieties mixed in. And what was worse, none of it was _his_ porn!

He would need something to sort out the horrific parts for him... like some sort of organization.

And as loathe as he was to do it, he might need to bring other people into this operation. It wouldn't be that bad would it?

After a moment of intense contemplation, Kakashi had found his answer. He would gather people to carry and sort the porn for him. If they survived the experience, he would then use them as a task force with two objectives. The first would be to find and horrifically murder the person who stole his porn. The second was to create a rebellion towards this corruption of porn, creating a new golden age of porn!

In his new living room, with the blinds and curtain shut to hide the evidence of his actions, Kakshi began to chuckle, which slowly evolved into a maniacal laugh. When he realized what he was doing, Kakashi coughed and regained his composure. He would have to do something about that laughter, after all no one would support a crazed madman trying to create a rebellion. No, people only supported charismatic madmen that could hide their madness.

Perhaps they sold some sort of maniacal laughter suppressant at the nearby pharmacy?

* * *

Naruto was sore and tired as he trudged into the classroom. Thanks to his new 'helper,' he had been sidetracked down into several useless quests that didn't pay off in the end.

Still, he slid open the classroom door and entered, noticing that someone had filled in for him. He looked at the annoyed, and seemingly partially mauled, woman and felt fear running up his spine.

"You're late."

"Sorry for returning late. I-I..umm..."

Naruto desperately tried to remember a valid excuse to explain his lateness. Unfortunately, his mind seemingly blanked completely. As Hanabi listened, her eyes widened. She often went with her father to meetings with the old man in the silly hat, and there was often a man who was late and said things as a way to say sorry! Mustering up her young mind, she recalled the phrase said the most and whispered it into Naruto's ear.

Suzume Namida was not a happy woman. She had plans today and because this new teacher was truant, they were all spoiled! Adjusting her glasses, she glared down at this child teacher, who had an even smaller child hanging on his shoulder! The sheer utter ridiculousness only further increased her anger, and soon Naruto found himself in front of one of the many sights men feared: An angry woman with fires of indignity burning behind her.

"Well?"

The boy seemed to concentrate and calm down. He smiled slightly and looked her in the eye.

"I'm sorry for being late, but I was lost on the path of life."

As soon as the words were uttered, the fire seemed to grow in strength. Namida bit her lip as rage began to control her. How dare he! No sane man says the lines of the worst pervert in Konoha (if not the world), Hatake Kakashi, in front of a woman unless they were either Hatake Kakashi, able to run quickly, or suicidal. Moments later, Naruto found himself being strangled against the chalkboard while staring at death incarnate.

As he found himself blacking out, he smiled. Finally, he would die! Sadly, the world came into perspective again as he watched the antics of one Suzume Namida running around screaming and flailing an arm with one Hyuuga Hanabi attached by means of the young girl's teeth. Eventually, the girl tired and found herself flung into Naruto's torso.

Namida glared at the boy sitting on the ground with that _demon_ on his lap. How dare he sick that monster on him? Nursing her arm with very red bite marks, she began crying slightly. This kid hurt her it felt...

As her thoughts trailed off, Naruto found the door once more being slid open. He _was slightly_ confused, as he didn't remember closing it. Looking in the direction of the door, he found one very angry Suzume Namida staring at him.

"Just so you know, I'm going to expect you to take responsibility for causing me to ruin my plans for today and sicking that **thing** on me! Next Sunday, at seven in the evening, in front of the school! Be there!"

Sighing, he stood up , walked over to his desk and put Hanabi, the coat, the whip, and the hat in the chair. As he began to walk towards the podium, he was pushed against the wall again. This time by a very terrifying person, Hyuuga Hinata.

**"My book. You have it. It was you who stole it! The hat, jacket, and whip prove it! Give it to me. NOW!"**

Naruto frowned. He was already faked out of death once. He would not be deceived again in the same day! Standing tall, he gave the most fearsome and terrifying look he could. It was a look he spent practicing in the mirror with Shiori helping for an hour.

As it happened, he actually managed to pull it off and slightly subdue Hinata, who had a small flashback to her father.

"No."

The girl's eyes widened some, filling with tears.

"I don't have your book. It's somewhere safe. You'll get it back when you graduate."

Her eyes widened some more as she began crying.

_"..But-..but.. the note said..."_

It said you'll have a chance to get it if you attend class. I'm adding more requirements. ...Now, please sit down."

Quietly, the girl sat in her seat and looked at Naruto as if she was a small puppy and he had just mercilessly beat her. Unknown to him, her thoughts were in turmoil. Part of her wanted to kill him, another wanted to run away, and yet another wanted to jump him. The parts eventually formed into the idea, though not precisely in this order, of graduating, getting the book back, and making him see her way of thinking. If she got to jump his bones in the process, all the better.

Naruto quickly began to ignore the now horribly blushing girl as he made his way back to the podium. He then looked over at the clock wearily. There remained twenty minutes left in class.

Looking back at the board, he saw what seemed to be notes on deception. Sighing, he mentally scrapped whatever lesson plans for today. It was time to do the old pastime of speech giving, bullshitting.

"Well, I am sorry for being late. I don't know or care if you believe me, so let's move on. Today's lesson is deception. It is a person's greatest tool. Especially if you're a ninja!"

Getting an idea of what to do, he slowly began leading them to one of his greatest beliefs.

"Everyone deceives others. Ninjas, politicians, lawyers, parents, children, and especially things written by people! All a contract means is for someone to get you to do something for them in a wordy way! In essence, you all have been deceived by everyone you know to become a weapon of murder! It is likely that this will continue to happen in the future!

"I'm telling you this now because it is something you must eventually accept. It is not a happy or joyous thing, but something necessary to know nonetheless. Therefore, my job is also a deception. It's not for you to grow to be 'awesome super cool ninja,' but rather learn of what you will eventually have to do."

Sighing, Naruto hunched over.

"To be honest, I was deceived into teaching this class... But enough about that!"

He cleared his throat loudly and looked at them with a very serious face, getting the class to snap out of their depressions.

"Now that last thing I've to teach you is the most important. You must not tell anyone, ever. Is this clear."

As he received hesitant nods, he continued.

"Everything you know is a lie. The elemental countries, ninja, the wasteland to the west... all of it! All of this had been created by a massive empire that secretly controls the elemental countries from their capital somewhere in that 'wasteland!'"

Looking around nervously, he continued.

"While there are resistance groups, they'll all fail. This is a secret I entrust with you all. Keep it safe."

The bell rang and he ran out the door only to double back to pick up his lesson plan, miscellaneous personal effects, and Hanabi. He looked at the class.

"Dismissed."

Before running back out. The last two to leave the room were a fuming Yamanaka Ino and a carefully walking and beet red Hyuuga Hinata.

* * *

Iruka took a swig of whatever alcoholic substance was in the bottle before lowering his head back onto his arm of the table to sob. Anko had a creeped out look before carefully patting the Chuunin on the back.

It appeared to be up to her to sort out what was wrong with the man. Why did it have to be her? She wasn't good at this kind of crap!

"So.. Er, ...champ... What's got you in a bad mood?"

The man raised his head to glare at her with bloodshot eyes.

"I'm not a teacher."

"And this is my fault, how?"

The man grit his teeth and took another swig of the bottle.

"Because of your stunt, they got someone else to teach in my place! Now the next chance I'll have is in a year!"

Anko blinked awkwardly.

"...Sorry?"

The man resumed his crying into his arm again.

"So... Who's the new teacher."

Iruka snarled out a name.

"Uzumaki Naruto? That suicidal kid? Damn... That's a class I've got to see!"

Iruka sobbed harder.

"So, why don't you ask the kid to quit and let you teach?"

Iruka mumbled into his arm. Intrigued, she lowered her head to hear him.

"Excuse me?"

"... because of old rule, he's the teacher until the class graduates or..."

"Or?"

Iruka sat up quickly, a crazed gleam in his eye.

"..Or the sensei dies..."

Anko moved her arms in an 'X' shape. Though he was drunk, there was a chance he meant this.

"That's treason. Don't. Seriously."

Anko looked at his clenched hand as he began smiling.

"There was two positions left. Assistant teacher, or assistant librarian."

The man stumblingly stood, laughing.

"I swear I'll get you Uzumaki! I'll restore my rightful position as a teacher and honor! Just you watch."

Immediately afterwards, the man fell backwards unconscious. Anko sighed and ordered the strongest drink the bar had. Why the hell was she being the voice of reason? And why the hell has he getting so bent out of shape? Being a teacher wasn't even that good of a job.

Hell, she pitied the Uzumaki kid for getting the job. Nevertheless, it was time for her to play sabotage on good old crazy Iruka. And like all her plans, they were best when she came up with them utter trashed. Less personal blame that way.

* * *

Naruto sighed as he once more explained the situation to Shiori. He did the best to keep the voices down from waking the sleeping Hanabi in the guest room.

"I told you, it wasn't my fault!"

He looked carefully at the standing Shiori from his spot on the bed. The woman had lowered her head and was shaking slightly.

"...Shiori?"

No response. The shaking was getting worse.

"...I'm sorry?"

It wasn't until Shiori raised her head and began chuckling with the most crazed smile he'd ever seen did Naruto really feel fear. As she slowly approached him, he scooted back and hid behind some raised blankets. Yes, all he had to do was act like a scared victim like in those horror movies, and his death was assured!

"Whatever I did, you can kill me to make up for it!"

The blankets were ripped out of his hands and he found himself face to face with a very sultry and **very** naked Shiori. She put her face right in front of his and smiled a very seductive smile.

"I'm not going to kill you. In fact, I'm _very happy_ about your plans."

He felt her breasts molding against his chest as she slowly began closing the small gap between their lips. Naruto found he couldn't scoot back any further thanks to his headboard.

"Then why?"

"Because I saw you first. So... I'm making you mine first."

She moved that last tiny bit further.

* * *

Unknown Country.  
Large, Dark, and Spacious Room.

The two large double doors opened as a man ran into the room before lowering himself to a kneel before the ascending steps.

"Sire!"

The man looked down from his throne unhappily.

"What?"

The man began shaking. He was giving bad news. No one ever survived giving bad news!

"There's a problem, sire."

The man leaned foreword on the throne, resting his chin on a fist.

"Problem?"

The man stood shakily.

"Y-Yes sir. Well, actually... There's two problems..."

The shadowed man on the throne raised an eyebrow.

"...I see. Where?"

The soldier resisted the urge to loose control of his bowels.

"...Konoha. Both of the problems are from Konoha, Sir!"

The soldier recieved a smile in return.

"...Konoha, eh? Very well. Send _them._"

"_Them?!_ Sire, isn't that unnecessary?"

The man reclined back in his throne.

"..No. Do as I say and... Send. _Them._"

The soldier nodded frantically.

"Yes sir! _They_ are to go to Konoha and deal with these problems!"

The reclining man shifted his gaze upon a dark corner of the room.

"..Well? You have your orders."

The figures in the shadows vanished. The throne-seated man looked back at the soldier.

"Leave me."

The soldier's eyes widened.

"Sir?"

"You heard me. Unless you want me to change my mind?"

The soldier shook his head and saluted.

"Yes my lord!"

Before quickly leaving the room in a run, shutting the doors behind them.

"So... It appears Konoha still has some fight left in it."

* * *

END


End file.
